Yesterday was one of those days where things just weren’t going right for me…
By 2 o’clock in the afternoon I was MORE than ready to pull the sheets over my head and call it a day, anxiously anticipating the newness of morning. But when I woke up this morning, the unwelcomed remnants of yesterday’s defeat were still weighing me down.
I opened my eyes to the very same tears I had successfully choked back all day yesterday. They were still there, patiently waiting their chance to fall warmly down my cheeks.
Annoyed, I poured an extra mug of coffee this morning, thinking maybe the caffeine boost would pick me up and get me back on track.
I went upstairs and spread out my Bible and journal. But before I could even open the pages, I found myself distracted by the scribbled calendar and endless to-do list sitting on my desk. I pushed my Bible back and quickly jotted a few more things down on my list so I wouldn’t forget.
I know there’s something else, I thought to myself, then pulled my journal back in front of me. The first words I wrote on the page…the only coherent thought I could really form in that moment was– God, I don’t have time for this.
I don’t have time to dwell on yesterday and I don’t have time to feel like this. Where’s the newness and joy you promised comes in the morning? I’m just tired Lord, and busy, and I’m running on empty. Where are You?!
I wrote those words and shut my journal quickly, without even pausing to wait and listen for an answer. I read a few verses and skimmed quickly through today’s wisdom from good ole Oswald. I couldn’t tell you now what either of them said. My heart and mind were in a million other places and finally I gave up trying to get them back on track.
A good nights sleep did nothing..
An extra cup of coffee didnt fix a thing..
And trying to read my Bible this morning was an epic fail..
Exhausted and frustrated, I grabbed my towel and went in to take a shower. I didn’t even feel like choosing a song so I just put my whole ipod on shuffle and stepped into the water.
And in that unexpected place, at the very moment I needed Him most, Jesus showed up…
I need you more, more than yesterday
I need you more, more than words can say
I need you Lord
As those words from one of my favorite songs played in the background and warm water ran over my face, I soaked in the sweet, tangible presence of the Lord that I’d been searching for.
God needed to get me away from my to-do list and my calendar…away from my phone and my computer…nothing for me to keep my hands busy…no pad of paper to jot quick notes on…nobody to talk to or spend time with.
He literally had to wait until I was stripped of everything and everyone before He could get my attention. Oops…
How quickly I forget that I need Him! In the midst of the craziness of this past month- speaking and traveling and meeting with people about ministry in the Philippines, trying to pack and prepare and spend as much time as I can with the people I love so much, raising support, rushing and doing and going and going…I’ve let it become all about me.
And that reality wrecked me this morning.
I spent the majority of last year in complete desperation and dependence on the Lord for everything. I knew that I needed Him to lead me and fill me up every day or I would fail. And as hard it was, looking back, it was the sweetest place to be!
But somewhere between January and now, I lost that. I don’t think it was ever a conscience thing- but I know, at least for the past few weeks, I’ve been living in MY abilities, MY words, MY time, MY feelings, MY strength…not His.
And the funny thing about that is- it worked! For a little while anyway. But ultimately, my juices run out. My love, my time, my strength…it runs out. And then days like yesterday happen and I realize I can’t do it. I never really could.
My life is so not about me. Not even a little bit. But when I center my days around a to-do list and I pack my calendar full of good things, I send the message that it IS about me and I can handle it.
When I squeeze God into a few distracted moments of my morning, I’m saying I don’t really need Him and He’s not actually the most important thing right now. When I think of this life in terms of MY days, MY time, MY ministry calling, MY future…I quickly forget nothing was ever actually about me to begin with.
Its all about Him.
I’m thankful today that He loves me enough to chase me down in the shower and remind me how desperately I need Him. To reassure me that His mercies really ARE new every morning and there IS joy to be found…but that its not found in me or my coffee, its found in Him.
…now there’s the peace I was hoping for this morning!